No matter whether it's playing online games, reading my history books, or sometimes even listening to music or drawing, I get into this state where I believe that I am "weak," genetically inferior and deserve to suffer; if I can't change then I need to take as many fellow "weak" people down with me before I die, and that will be a service to humanity. I genuinely believe the thoughts when they come, and cannot convince myself out of them until the period is over(usually from a few hours to an entire day) accompanied by a severely shorter temper. I've cut myself off from them for the past three days, and it feels like a failure that I can't do the things that I love, and the states of depression that accompany it make it more and more difficult to do my daily tasks.

I've already tried a new diet, exercise, the hobbies are self-explanatory, and while I have friends that can relate I don't see long-term improvement.

I don't know why I'm broken, and every attempt to change it has not helped. It's already caused me to verbally abuse people. I think that I'm a net negative to society now.