TOUCH MY PINGAS." And William said, "But my dear sir, I already am."
DQN-kun was shocked and disgusted by this unholy display of hedonism and pingas touchery. He swore in his waifu's name to
obliterate all scoundrels in the known universe and
send a very clear warning to those from without.
But the tale was quickly coming to an end. Resolute that he should tie up all loose ends, reconnoitring the roster of rogue characters and turning their disparate vignettes into a plausible whole, DQN-kun set off on a journey that would take him straight across all of space and even some select portions of time.
It was, by this point, the year 50,000, and man had already done a bang-up job of spreading himself across the solar system. Furthermore,
every single human being in the entire universe was dead. Yes, all of them. Dr Robotnik was a reanimated corpse, William was never actually a character to begin with and was just a figment of the reader's imagination, DQN-kun was God and DQN-kun's waifu was an ethereal entity from a parallel universe.
48,007 years previously,
the author gave up
watching lolicon anime, but it was already too late.
around the fifth bottle of vodka.
Scanning scattered notes whose fevered scrawlings were all illegible, a kernel of determination grew within his now sober soul. There had to be a pattern here. Some bastion of coherence, even a single plot device with which he could begin to patch up this meandering mess of a nearly finished novel. But where? he asked himself.
That was the question.
He set to work pulling together the cast of characters he'd unwittingly let fall from his formerly frantic mind. A Panda, Beady Eyes, Honorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, George Bush CXXIX, Ran-tan-tan, Franz Kafka. As he read and re-read just the first several lines, a ray of glistening comprehension shone through his entire being. A few, however, jumped at him from the page like tumultuous fires from the greatest depths of hell.
A 2 is gotten
by A Panda
... promptly derailed by Beady Eyes
Hate - the bite that sets the universe in motion.
He considered the Panda and Beady Eyes as two perpetually warring forces of nature. Reincarnated many times over, their bitter dispute would form the cosmic backdrop of the thing. Yes, it was beginning to come along quite nicely. They had existed since time immemorial, springing into disastrous disruption of mankind's affairs at the most pivotal epoch in his technological evolution - the dawning of the Interstellar Era.
New Manchuria was their first Earthly arena. Accelerating the rate of human development, Beady Eyes had birthed himself as the assassin George Bush CXXIX. He succeeded in a brief massacre, murdering the nearest medical professionals, lest they should discover his unnatural feat. Enter A Panda, whom as Ran-tan-tan had quelled the air of morbid with his characteristically humorous antics.
From there,
the shit hit the fan.
Espeon become insane and insisted on always using his tripcode, wriggling it around like a shiny golden diamond-encrusted dick which it wasn't.
In the end, people had their memories of sheltered childhood destroyed and obliterated. For this Espeon was sent to North Corea on a "spy mission" and disappeared. This political move raised many questions for Hnnorable Chairman George Bush CXXVIII, to all of which he replied,
"I have no comment at this time."
In the midst of everything, Mr. Gray surfaced now and then in an attempt to spin some pseudoliterary value into the otherwise disjointed fanfictionesque narrative.
Unbelievably, Tharsh
soon took center stage as the novel's protagonist. DQN-kun had not expected this outcome, but the best ideas are the ones that come naturally. To commemorate the occasion, Tharsh said,
"Arf."
Tharsh only performed his world famous sea lion impression on special occasions. The last time he had done so was
in his past incarnation as a Panda, to commemorate his 2GET. But before Tharsh could finish, his sea lion impression was rudely interrupted by
a time traveling golden PINGAS.
This was, of course, actually Beady Eyes. Somehow.
Just as the author was considering making a start on the final chapter,
a sheep named "meemee" appeared and said "meemee."
The author instantly recognized it as a spy for the dreaded herd of memesheep. No good could come of this.
It was time to call in the wolf.
The wolf was called in and she mercilessly slaughtered the obnoxious ovine. On any other day,
this service would be free of charge. Today, however,
it's also free of charge.
Blood dripping from her muzzle, the wolf tenderly reminisced about her childhood
, which was filled with fancy doilies and overgrown swing sets.
You see, she was an incarnation of the Great Sky Loli.
Thus the metaphorical cogs and gears kept turning despite the harsh light cast upon this world's clandestine machinations. All entities knew their roles, strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage, then to be heard of no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing - and this tale was coming to an end.
Chapter Twelve:
Butchered Twilight Fragments
Featuring the Magical Magistrate and his Petulant Petition
In which the townsfolk celebrate over the butchered fragments of Edward Cullen's body.
(Haha, only kidding! It's the last chapter so it's full of unnecessary amounts of explosions, killing major characters off and nonsensical revelations.)
The Piazza San Marco took on an unearthly pallor in the light of the setting sun. The Magical Magistrate, better known as
King Alistair Xavier Chang-Mortensen III, was napping lightly.
It was his birthday a few days ago, and had celebrated with his chums on a 40 hour alcohol-and-stimulant binge. He was still recovering.
Without warning, the fragile tranquility of this scene was shattered by the return of
Tharsh and the Great Sky Loli, who had formed an alliance. They then took
a nasty shit.
"Meow,"
said the shit, which had gained sentience due to the
radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb
which had formerly been in the possession of one Mr. Gray.
"Our shit is meowing!" the GSL and Tharsh exclaimed in chorus.
"It must be these radioactive nuclear explosive hyper dark anti-fusion bomb sunglasses," realized the GSL, slowly removing off the aforementioned eye-wear which was upside-down and glowing with radioactivity. This act caused the universe to
explode.
The author was killed in said explosion and
several other parallel universes were also destroyed.
In one particular parallel universe, however,
Jack Noir
didn't exist. It was a beautiful day in New Yugoslavia and the Great Sky Shota was playing serendipitously on the shore. Mr Brown sat down on the grass and drank a leisurely cup of coffee. His thoughts were centred on
the Manchurian pepper mines, in which a group of canine assassins were gathering in order to
seize the Mighty Dong of
the Dong Empire. A notoriously
veiny
Popeye cosplayer
was searching desperately through the supermarket trying to find spinach in a can.
In this particular parallel universe, spinach was fatally poisonous. The cosplayer intended to commit suicide that night. However,
funnily enough, the supermarket did not sell lethal poisons. With a sigh of resignation,
he grumbled, "Well, blow me down!" which a passerby took to mean
as Popeye cosplayer needed a blow to his skull's coronal suture to send him plummeting through the earth like a jackhammer. As the passerby hopped into the air, can of spinach in hand, suddenly
a Bluto cosplayer appeared and
hijacked the thread, because he was, in fact, Beady Eyes in disguise.
"I am your mother!"
quoth the cross-dressing Freud clone that barged through the door, crushing Beady Eyes behind it in the process.
Suddenly, a huge explosion
followed by an explosion that was even bigger and better.
was a signal to all that this was now a Michael Bay film.
Suddenly, Michael Bay exploded.
Surveying the scene from afar, an elderly
Robotpa
also exploded.
"LUDICROUS GIBS" announced the surveyance monitor.
The monitor then proceeded to explode. It appears the universe is beginning to collapse in on itself. "There is only a matter of time to escape this thread! I'd say 32 posts to be exact, I've seen a lot of threads in my time" announced none other than
Mr Brown's daughter, a precocious young girl called
Chorsh. To prepare for the happy doom that hung over their icy inevitable heads, she proceeded to chow down on french bread spread with nutella, getting crumbs all over skimpy summer wear.
"Oh no!" she lamented, "I've got nutella all over myself! There's even some under my bra... If only somebody would come and lick it off..."
At that moment, a very large, very hairy gnu with a pedo-smile and a heap of shittily-written open source utilities appeared and said, "Did someone say GNU?"
Predictably enough,
everything exploded. Again.
Including the gnu's rancid penis, which exploded into Chorsh's face.
But that didn't really matter because that very second the entire universe imploded.
Meanwhile, in another alternate universe,
everyone's underwear
exploded.
"Muhahahahaha!" cackled Beady Eyes. "My plan was a success!"
He hadn't yet noticed that he had neglected to remove his own underwear, which had also exploded.
"Oh fiddlesti-" he began to say, then he exploded as well. A panda
remarkably did not explode. He was too zen for that shit.
Friedrich Nietzsche's ghost
, however, was not. He exploded too.
Fortunately, ghosts
are gaseous, therefore structural damage from their explosion is minimal. However, they still burn out a lot of
ectoplasm. A nearby outcrop of bismuth crystals caused
a worldwide
sterilization of males due to its interaction with Nietzschean ectoplasm.
"Oh shit!" said God, "There's only ten posts left and all we've got is exploding ghosts and bismuth crystals! How are we going to
resolve all the plot holes, develop all the characters, or coalesce the narrative into any sort of coheren-"
God exploded.
All this exploding was accelerating the expansion of the universe to dangerous speeds, bringing the heat death of the universe a few aeons closer.
The only one that seemed to be still alive amidst the universal collapse was
Squeeks. It was awful because all the death around him
didn't bother him at all.
«WE SHALL MAKE ANOTHER THREAD!» shouted he, blinded by his madness, «NEXT THREAD WILL PUT EVERYTHING IN PLACE! EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!!»
«Forgive me, mother,
but I don't know what I was talking about with all that thread stuff. Everyone here has perished, and while I'm not particularly bothered by all the death, the corpses are extremely disorganized. Even worse, there is no one left to sort them into neat arrangements based on their fluffiness levels.»
Little did he know, a parallel, five-dimensional universe managed to defy all physical laws, allowing it to prosper forever without any of that scary scientific stuff.
In this very locale, the author and the GSL were having tea, when
null pointer exception occurred.
For My Beloved Loli, her Panda, and all those who perished in the making of this novel
THE FIRST PART OF A STUNNING TRILOGY
YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN
"What just happened" - New York Times
"A MILLION STARS" - Unnamed seven year old
x 1,000,000
"Excuse me may I post on the back cover here" - DQN-kun
♥♥♥♥♥