These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.
>>197
You climb awkwardly through the window and steal the woman's labcoat, blouse, long skirt, bra and underwear. In her pockets you find a keycard and what looks like a ceremonial stone dagger. It is too heavy and blunt to be practical.
>>198
Her pulse is fairly strong. Her breathing is shallow but steady. Her body temperature is warm, but may drop because you have stolen all of her clothes. Her left leg is absent from the knee down.
>>199
You fret and wring your hands in a more or less controlled manner.
>>200
Matrimony, level 1:
Proposal (active skill): propose marriage to another entity. Both you and the other entity must be eligible for marriage. Requires engagement ring.
Healing, level 1:
Basic healing (passive skill): body slowly regenerates from damage. Not a magic spell; your body just naturally does that.
Allocate remaining skill points to Healing
Pause and press F1 for Help - how to gain more skill points and advance levels?
Heal fallen woman as well as possible.
>>202
You allocate your remaining three points to Healing. Your Healing level is now four.
>>203
Help: Skill Points
You gain one skill point and fifty mana for every sapient creature killed. This is doubled for ritual killings. Skill points may be allocated to any skill.
>>204
You use your newly unlocked ability: place in recovery position (active skill) on the fallen woman. She will probably return to consciousness soon, but not before the timer reaches zero.
>>205,206
You can vaguely recall a conversation. A calm, unplaceable, masculine voice says "These are the files. I hope you have everything you need."
"Thank you," replies a voice, possibly your own.
"Sir, I'm afraid these were not the correct files." says another voice. You are not sure whose. A siren blares. The next thing you remember is waking up on a cold, hard concrete floor.
Type 'S-A-M-S-O-N-5-1-2-ENTER.'
Try to quickly whip the tablecloth out from under the glasses without breaking them. I saw it on TV once, it can't be that hard, right?
Open the JavaScript console and enter "Game.remainingTime = 999999999;"
>>208
Syntax error.
>>209
Wasting precious seconds with wanton disregard, you climb back out the window and try to pull the tablecloth out with a dramatic flourish. The tablecloth catches on the opposite end, pulling over the entire table with it. The glasses all tumble off and shatter against the floor. There is broken glass everywhere. You feel humiliated.
>>210
You require level two thaumaturgy and 75 mana to use the JavaScript console ability.
Pause the timer to play the skiing minigame.
>>212
You require level 100 thauaturgy and 10,000 mana to use the skiing minigame ability.
Ritualistically slit woman's throat with broken glass while chanting "AJAX," thus making an offering to Eich, the God of Javascript. Use the resulting skill points and mana to level up thaumaturgy and open the JavaScript console.
>>214
With one deadly sweep of your glass laden hand, you slit the woman's jugular. "HAIL AJAX!" you scream. Blood arcs through the air, spraying all over the room, the bookshelves, the window, the computer terminal, and, of course, you. Arcane knowledge floods through your head. You have gained two skill points and 100 mana!
You put both your skill points into thaumaturgy. You now have level two thaumaturgy!
You spend 75 mana opening the JavaScript console.
Enter "IDDQD" on the console.
You enter "IDDQD" into the JavaScript console and hit Enter. You hear a sound like a bell chime. Big Head Mode has been enabled.
Download a bunch of freeware variable detectors and run them.
Admire big head.
Summon Ao Oni.
Pray to narrator.
>>218
You cannot locate any freeware variable detectors. You need a freeware variable detector detector.
>>219
You can't help but notice that your head doesn't seem much bigger than before; it's at most 10% bigger. You feel slightly disappointed.
>>220
Ao Oni will not come at your command. He will come and get you when you least expect it. When you least expect it.
>>221
The Narrator demands blood sacrifices.
You wake up on a cold, hard metal floor. You are not sure how long you have been unconscious, but you remember having an odd dream involving JavaScript consoles and giant heads. Blearily opening your eyes, you find yourself lying on a metal sundial built into a stone slab. It is currently night. It is still overcast.
To your North is a large circular fountain. There is no water running in it. Beyond the fountain is a tall leylandii hedge. To your West is a gazebo, within which can be seen a badly melted ice sculpture. There is also an overturned table, a white tablecloth and an almost impressive amount of broken glass. To the East and South are the walls of a mansion. Through a broken window in the Eastern wall you can see into an office.
There is a lot of blood visible on the walls of the office, on the broken glass of the window, on the walls around the window, and in a trail leading from the window to your current position. You are also covered in blood. With a shock, you suddenly realise that you are no longer in possession of your briefcase (which contained your entire inventory), or your beloved Continue.
Say "AW SHIT"
Shit. All over the sundial.
Lick the ice sculpture.
Lick the blood.
Expect Ao Oni.
>>225
You don't really need to go right now.
>>226
You rub your tongue against the remains of the ice sculpture. It tastes a little odd. Thankfully, your tongue doesn't stick to it too badly.
>>227
You lick some of the blood off yourself. The thick metallic taste floods your mouth, sticking to your palate and the back of your throat. It tastes good... yes, very good. You wonder what it would taste like fresh from the source.
As you are busy expecting Ao Oni, you fail to expect a small, white rabbit to show up in front of you. But show up it does. It nonchalantly hops through the grass, sniffs around a little and then hops towards you. You note that it's odd for rabbits to be active at this time of day.
Drink rabbit's blood.
>>229
You're going to need some way of getting the blood out of the rabbit, first of all.
Use the broken glass on the rabbit.
>>231
Success! You have constructed a Level 1 Wand of Lightning!
>>231
You walk away from the rabbit and take a piece of broken glass from the gazebo. You turn back to find the rabbit barely a metre from your feet, still sniffing around nonchalantly. Unperturbed, you wield your makeshift weapon and contemplate how to "use" it on the poor defenceless little lagomorph.
Suddenly, the rabbit stands up on its hind legs. It sways a little, makes a sound as though it's clearing its throat, then stares you right in the eye, silently, for a few moments. You are caught off guard. In one fluid motion the rabbit leaps up towards you, claws and teeth arcing through the air like tiny little katanas, and decapitates you.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 7
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>228)
check status of genitals
Invite white rabbit for tea
>>236
"My dear rabbit," you say, putting on your most gentlemanly voice, "Would you care to join me for afternoon tea?"
The rabbit cocks its head to one side, twitches its nose, and looks at you like the idiot you are for suggesting afternoon tea in the middle of the night, when you don't even have any of the necessary tea-making paraphernalia.
cut wrist with glass and make blood offering to rabbit
Dance a little jig.
use Level 1 Wand of Lightning on the GAME OVER
>>238
You take a piece of broken glass and slit open the skin on your left wrist. You feel an odd sensation, as though small animals were crawling beneath your epidermis. You passingly wonder how long it will take the scars of this wound to heal. The rabbit looks hesitant, then twists its little mouth into a cruel grin and eagerly laps up the blood.
>>239
You dance, hopping back and forth from one foot to the other. The rabbit stands up on its hind legs and dances alongside you, blood still dripping from its muzzle.
>>240
You pass out (you've really got to do something about this narcolepsy of yours) and dream/hallucinate that you used a piece of broken glass on the rabbit and somehow the two transmuted into a Level 1 Wand of Lightening. You wield the tiny electrified phallic object, and discharge it upon a huge set of letters, twenty metres tall, which have appeared in front of you, reading GAME OVER. Blinding white bolts of lightening strike the letters all over. The relief and satisfaction of denying this monumental symbol of your failure is positively orgasmic.
Then, you realise that the lightening has no effect. The monolithic letters remain standing, indifferent. The lightening wanes until it is nothing more than a few sparks spurting from the end of your wand. Disappointment and shame and horror pour down upon you like cold, damp spaghetti.
You wake up in a cold sweat. You are lying on the sundial, again. It is dawn and you can hear birds chirruping enthusiastically from somewhere or other. The rabbit is lapping at your wrist, blood flecks sprayed across its face and your lower arm. You feel a little faint.
Slice skin off with glass and turn it into a ring. Propose to rabbit.
Inspect roof of gazebo
Imitate Strong Bad's voice while vandalizing the gazebo, and make sure to pronounce it like "gaze-bo".
>>242
Feeling a little woozy from all the blood loss, you take the broken glass and slice a rough chunk of skin from your lower arm. There's really quite a lot of blood now. An awful lot, in fact. You attempt to fashion the loose flap of skin into a ring, producing a rather unconvincing doughnut shape.
"Oh rabbit," you say, slurring your words slightly, "Will you m--"
Your breath catches in your throat. The words simply won't come out.
"Will you m- m--"
You require level two matrimony to use the bigamy ability.
>>243
You tilt your head to look at the top of the gazebo. It is hexagonal in shape, like the rest of the gazebo, with a shallowly inclined red roof tapering to a single point. Very scenic, you think to yourself.
>>244
You pick yourself up from the ground, successfully avoiding passing from blood loss. You feel the overwhelming urge to vandalise the gaze-bo, whilst imitating a cartoon man who wears a wrestling mask, boxing gloves and no shirt. (Well, you have the no shirt part at least.)
You grab one leg of the overturned table inside, snap it off and begin hitting the pillars of the gaze-bo with it. "Holy crap!" you exclaim, as one of the pillars explodes into a mass of splinters. "There's two of them..." you ponder, as another two supports fall at your hands. The entire structure looks to be on the verge of collapsing. You take a run up and whack the weakest looking of the remaining pillars, shouting "DELETED!". It snaps like a twig. The roof falls to the ground with a satisfying cacophony, joining the pile of broken glass on the floor of the gaze-bo.
Something is wrong. The ice sculpture is outside the gaze-bo - how did it get there? And why is its head so blue and swollen? Then, you realise: it's Ao Oni, come to get you, when you weren't expecting it!
Scream: "Aaaaaaah!"
Pass out for a while.
Go north.
Go south.
Write a haiku about our present situation.
>>248
In mid-scream, you at last give in to blood loss. The soft grassy floor leaps up to meet your woolly head and everything goes black. You wake up in absolute darkness, in some sort of extremely narrow square passage, clearly not designed for humans. You can hear odd organic noises, including occasional screams. The noise is echoing too much to be able to tell where it's coming from.
>>249,250
You cannot tell which direction is which, but you try crawling forwards. Eventually you come to a metal grate in the floor, strongly suggesting that you are inside a ventilation duct. Beneath the grate is a stone cavern, lit by a single floodlight. You can see some meagre office equipment; a simple wooden desk, chair, pens and paper, neatly arranged. You aren't sure, but you think that the noises are coming from further along the shaft, rather than from the cavern/office under you.
>>251
Gone is the garden
New home: ventilation shaft
Life is so absurd
Imitate Strong Bad some more.
Crawl toward noises while fantasizing sexually.
>>254
You shamble inefficiently towards the mysterious banging, and clattering, further ahead. Yet at the moment, those... banging and... clattering noises... seem to be rather alluring...
Where you were, now - you couldn't care at all. You know only that a raging erection (or female equivalent) has formed beneath you, within your trousers. It beckons your attendance as you crawl, painfully and erotically as you wish to stroke yourself.
A noise... ?
A-anghhh~
Become self-aware and realize your thoughts and actions are not a product of your own illusory free will, but are formed through commands from the elitist superstructure.
List healing spells up to level 4. Also, how much mana do we have left?
Expend all mana with repeated castings of JavaScript console ability.
>>258
Healing, level 4:
You have 25 mana remaining.
>>259
The JavaScript console ability requires 75 mana.
Spend 10 mana to magic heal Continue!
Tweak nipples
>>261
Continue's injured tentacles perk up, and the severed one stops bleeding. She renews her assault, successfully lashing one appendage around Ao Oni's neck. Ao Oni, however, struggles out of the choke hold, and roughly grabs the offending tentacle, tugging it viciously. Continue screams.
You have 15 mana remaining.
>>262
You are not in possession of any nipples.
Try to figure out any weaknesses Ao Oni has.
Summon Big Penis
Headbutt the metal grate
Cast magic missile!
Come on, cast magic missile already!!
>>264
Ao Oni appears to depend most heavily on brute strength, but has remarkably little agility. If you could either temporarily incapacitate or even just distract him, you and Continue would be in with more of a chance.
>>265
You do not know how to summon Big Penis.
>>267
Seeing no alternative, you whack your forehead against the grate with all your strength. Through the blinding pain and blood streaming down your forehead into your eyes, you see that the grate has fallen from its place. You spill haphazardly out of the ventilation duct like dog food out of a tin can.
Both Ao Oni and Continue are staring at you - well, Continue appears doesn't have any eyes so you can't be sure, but she seems to have turned in your direction. Behind Continue you can see some of the previous contents of your briefcase, scattered across the cavern floor. You can see one scalpel, one osteotome, one pencil and one defaced photo of naked Lara Croft more or less within reach, and a handgun several metres away. You have only a few seconds before you lose the element of surprise.
>>268
You require level 1 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the magic missile ability.
>>269
You still require level 1 thaumaturgy and 10 mana to use the magic missile ability.
Taunt Ao Oni with the defaced Lara Croft picture as a distraction for Continue.
Ask Ao Oni how to summon Big Penis.
Pick up remains of grate and throw it at Ao Oni, like an awkward boomerang.
Sing a sad ballad.
Ask Ao Oni how to summon Big Penis, wait for him to charge, then leap out of the way at the last second, making him charge straight into the pipe!
Eat a snack.
Specifically, eat Jack's sac.
>>276
Ao Oni takes offence and charges at you. You place yourself between Ao Oni and the huge yellow pipe and do your best deer-in-headlights impression. Continue tries to slow Ao Oni, with predictable results. Within seconds a huge blue fist is swiftly making its way towards your brittle, vulnerable skull. Continue shrieks in horror. You leap dramatically out of the way, and fall flat on your face. Simultaneously, there is a cacophonous metallic crash from where your head just was. A huge dent has appeared in the pipe and a white aerosol hisses out of the punctured metal straight into Ao Oni's face, distracting him for a few precious moments.
>>277
You feel an urgent hunger - not surprising, as the last thing you ate was half a quiche, way back at >>80,81, and even that you threw up again at >>121,122. You look around, desperately searching for a snack, a morsel, anything to quell your stomach's hopeless yearning. Alas, this cavern is as barren of nutrition as the Atacama desert.
>>278
"That's it!" you exclaim, "I'll eat Jack's sac!" There follows an awkward silence, filled only by the sound of the mystery aerosol leaking from the pipe. Ao Oni looks at you. Continue looks at you. You look at yourself. Who is Jack? What sort of edible sac does he possess? What on earth are you talking about? Nobody knows, least of all yourself.
Realize with shame that I don't know Jack.
Then run like fuck for the nearest exit.
Grab the gun (and hopefully bullets?!) on the way out.
>>280
You don't know Jack. At first, this realisation fills you with shame, but it evokes a stronger, more elusive feeling as well - horror, dread. Slowly, you rise to your feet. You cast a vacant glance across the cavern, but nothing you see truly registers. "Who is Jack?" you mutter to yourself. Continue makes a distressed squealing noise and waves her tentacles, urgently trying to get your attention, probably to warn you to get out of the way of Ao Oni. "Who is Jack?" you ask her. She pauses a moment, then continues with redoubled urgency. At last, you turn around to face your giant blue nemesis. You stare him in the eye. He stares back, his eyes inscrutable and unwavering. "Who is Jack?" you ask him. His eyes widen, then he abruptly looks away, no longer able to meet your gaze. Continue whimpers piteously.
Who is Jack? Why don't you know who he is? If you simply don't know anyone called Jack, then why would a thought involving Jack come unbidden to your mind? What deeper association, what subtle conditioning is there in your mind to bring this about? You have no memory of anyone called Jack, but beyond a certain point you have no memory at all. Jack could be anyone. Your father could be Jack. Your son could be Jack. Your wife could be Jack. You could be Jack - indeed, you don't even know your own name; why shouldn't it be Jack?
You collapse to your knees, fill your lungs with air, raise your face upwards and scream with all your might, all your frustration, all your shame, all your horror, every fibre of your being: "WHO IS JACK‽" You try to run for the nearest exit, but there is no exit to your torment.
>>281
You reach down and pick up the handgun. The handgun is not Jack. You wander further down the cavern and find some bullets strewn across the floor, along with the remains of your briefcase. "Jack... Jack... Jack..." you mutter, under your breath. The briefcase is in a poor state; the clasps are completely broken and the handle has come off. Files spill out of the ruined case like rushed apologies from a man with low self esteem. As you are completely naked and no longer in possession of any usable receptacle, you will only be able to carry as much as you can hold in your hands or wear. You pick up the bullets - four in total. One is small, white and spherical. Another, slightly larger, is a brilliant blue colour. The third is pale green, with a white outline and shaped like an elongated grain of rice. The fourth is blood red, and shaped like an arrowhead. These are not handgun bullets. These are danmaku bullets. Is this Jack's doing?
>>282
You eat a sandwich. Instead of bread, the sandwich is made of Jack. The filling is despair. It tastes bitter, so very bitter.
Dinner making stop!
Load gun with blue bullet and shoot Ao Oni while murmuring a prayer to Jack.
Ask Jack if he remembers what day it is today, and load the fourth bullet into the handgun.
Barf up the jack
>>284
You're fairly certain you aren't making dinner, literally or figuratively.
>>285
Stoically, you slip the large, blue bullet into the barrel and level the gun against Ao Oni. "Jack have mercy on you, you giant blue bastard." you mutter dramatically. Ao Oni looks surprised at first; then fearful, cowering against the bright yellow pipe like a cornered animal; and, finally, he appears to accept his fate. He bows his giant swollen head. A single tear rolls down his cheek. The sound of a gunshot echoes through the cavern, and Ao Oni explodes with a ピチューン sound, leaving nothing but a spray of power items.
For killing a sapient creature you have gained one skill point and 50 mana. You currently have one unallocated skill point and 65 mana in total.
>>286
You continue to mutter to yourself about Jack. You don't know what day it is, and if Jack does then he certainly isn't telling. You take the red arrowhead bullet and load it into the handgun.
>>287
You try to vomit but your stomach is quite thoroughly empty. You simply retch, leaving your mouth with an unpleasant acidic taste.
>>288
You decide that you have had enough Jack for one lifetime. One Jack/despair sandwich was more than enough. You shall seek a better sandwich: a sandwich of hope, wrapped in soft-crust progress, garnished with plot development.
You passingly notice that the mystery white aerosol has stopped leaking from the pipe.
Hurry to grab the power items before they get away!
Eat those power items. In a sandwhich if possible. Give some to Continue too.
Actually, wait, only eat the edible power items. And check what's in the pipe.
How big is the pipe?
Look into the pipe and yodel.
If still alive at this point, save game.
ERROR IN OPERATION: SAVE();
GAME PROGRESS WAS UNABLE TO BE SAVED TO DISK.>>290,291
You're too slow! They've already fallen offscreen.
>>292
There's a serious dent in the pipe where Ao Oni punched it. On closer inspection, there's a thin crack that has clearly pierced the metal plating, but you cannot see inside. A faint, unfamiliar chemical smell emanates from the fissure.
>>293
It's about one metre in diameter and, in length, goes as far as you can see in either direction.
>>294
You make some sort of approximation of yodelling. Continue appears to interpret this sound as you being in pain or distress, and rushes over to you, waving her tentacles and trying to work out what the matter is.
>>295
Game saved.
Smile at Continue. Check Continue's condition, use Dress Wound skill on any serious injuries she has.
>>298
Continue calms somewhat, though she still appears tense. Five of her tentacles are injured, of which three are only bruised, one is fairly badly crushed and one has been severed halfway. As you have already healed her a little back at >>261,263 her wounds are by no means life threatening. The dress wound skill requires antiseptic, a dressing or a bandage.
You hear a faint noise coming from further down the cavern.
Give up mentally and collapse in a heap on the floor.