We herein present a proof of the existence and smoothness of the Navier-Stokes equations via a new method of manipulating Calabi-Yau manifolds, which in turn leads us to a disproof by contradiction of the Collatz conjecture; four separate, independent proofs of the Jacobian conjecture; a complete decipherment of Linear A; a method of determining whether or not a book is worth reading based on its cover alone; and an entire new field of mathematics which we hereby name "Weird Calculus".
We completely and utterly fail to present any convincing arguments, but at least there's some nice text art.
We make no attempt to clarify anything in the field. Astute readers may notice the complete lack of content and coherence in this paper.