[VIOLENCE] ITT we decide who would win the fight set up by the poster above us (328)

1 Name: ( ˃ ヮ˂) : 1993-09-5792 00:15

Clonepa or Superman?

279 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-9927 18:38

>>278
The maths professor is likely to be faster and more agile, so if he can just grab it and run, he'll easily be taking home his meaty prize. On the other hand, the overweight woman is likely to have greater strength, and has what is effectively a motorised battering ram to try to knock the gentleman off balance. Unless the mathematician can get the element of surprise, I'm inclined to say the woman will be the one dining well tonight.

>>280
Alpha Hatsuseno (Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou) vs Akari Mizunashi (Aria)

280 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 11:27

>>279
They are girlfriends...

>>281
September 9999 vs September 10000

281 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 12:20

>>280
10000 has more digits, but that makes them less dextrous. With fewer fingers, 9999 strikes swiftly and has the upper hand.

>>282
>>282 vs >>283

282 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 12:53

>>281
Obviously me. That other nerd doesn't even exist yet.

>>283
>>282 vs >>283.

283 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 15:45

>>282
I think you've got this, mate

>>284
The Easter Bunny vs the Moon Rabbit.

284 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 16:29

>>283
The Moon Rabbit would pound the Easter Bunny's ass like it was nothing

>>285
100 Italians or 70 Russians? The battle must take place on neutral ground.

285 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10062 23:55

>>284
The Russians, no contest. It would be a bloodbath.

>>286
Reimu Hakurei vs Marisa Kirisame vs Sakuya Izayoi vs Youmu Konpaku vs Sanae Kochiya.

286 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10067 23:18

>>286
I don't know any of those characters so the winner would be (rolls d6) Youmu Konpaku through clever use of a digital watch.

>>287
A shooting hobo vs. a stabbing hobo, both starting out hidden.

287 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10068 00:29

>>286
Since you never bring a knife to a gunfight, the stabbing hobo has the element of surprise and wins.

>>288
Slavoj Žižek vs Plato

288 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10068 01:13

>>287
Plato, as he was a wrestler and Zizek can barely breathe.

>>289
The Hamburgler vs Moon Man

289 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10068 19:53

>>288
It's a good time for the great taste - dinner! At McDonald's, it's Mac Tonight!

>>290
Peep-flavored Pepsi vs Coca-Cola Clear

290 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10070 21:55

>>289
If mixed together, the Pepsi would presumably overpower the Coca-Cola in terms of both taste and colour. Does that count as winning a fight? I don't know, but let's say yes.

>>291
A colossal squid vs a great white shark. Fight takes place on land.

291 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10070 23:39

>>290
The squid is likely to have server structural damage from the difference in pressure from its native habitat. Great shark wins by surviving longer, perhaps even enough to flop back into the ocean.

>>292
briefs vs long johns

292 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10071 01:39

>>291
Long johns have the length, but briefs have the strength... it's almost a hard tie, but I say long johns
>>293
micheal jackson vs elvis

293 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10072 12:27

>>292
Presley spent two years serving in the US army, was apparently quite skilled in karate, and was not shy about using amphetamines to supplement his physical abilities. Jackson, meanwhile, as far as I can tell had no fighting experience of any sort, and was known to have quite a weak constitution. I reckon this would be an easy win for Elvis.

As an aside, while looking up stuff for this answer, I found out that Michael Jackson was briefly married to Elvis Presley's daughter, which I did not know.

>>294
EVA unit 01 vs the ender dragon from Minecraft. Assume the EVA is not connected to power and has only its internal battery. The fight takes place on the end island with all crystals active.

294 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10093 01:34

>>293 I will say the minecraft guy wins

>>295 confucius quotes versus buddha quotes?

vc:inane

295 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10093 16:41

>>294
I googled and here were the top 3 results for each:

Confucius:
*Never do to others what you would not like them to do to you.
Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.*

Buddha:
*Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.*

Confucius sounds like a real pussy, whereas Buddha sounds kinda like a bad-ass martial artist. Buddha quotes are the obvious winner.

>>296
Kirby from Smash 64 VS Bayonetta from Smash 4

296 Name: ( ´_ゝ`) : 1993-09-10098 11:10

>>295
Kirby would do that thing where he inhales his enemy and then spits them out under the stage so they can't get back up again. Bayonetta would fall, helpless, into the void.

>>297
Maiden in Black (Demon's Souls) vs Emerald Herald (Dark Souls II) vs Fire Keeper (Dark Souls III) vs the Doll (Bloodborne)

297 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10206 12:34

>>296
First things first, the Fire Keeper has no eyes by default, and the Doll is inanimate unless you have at least one insight (which the other three presumably do not), so they're both functionally out of the fight. Physically, the Emerald Herald looks to be in much better shape -- the Maiden in Black is frail and leans on a wooden staff -- however the Maiden has a demon inside her(?) and can exert enough power over the Old One to send it to sleep, so she almost certainly has some sort of weird bullshit power she could bring out if she needed to. I reckon the Maiden would win.

>>298
Howl (Howl's Moving Castle) vs Haku (Spirited Away, in dragon form)

298 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10206 20:01

>>297
I have a soft spot for bishonen, so Howl.

>>299
Siri vs Cortana vs Clippy vs Bonzi Boddy vs ELIZA?

299 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10207 11:25

>>298
Clippy is (as far as I know?) the only one of these who actually harasses you unprompted, rather than just responding to user commands. This initiative will give him the upper hand, allowing him victory.

>>300
The Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn (as they were at their height, assume their magic is actually functional) vs Golden Dawn (Greek neo-Nazi organisation)

300 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10239 13:55

>>299
Golden Dawn has actually murdered people, whereas the magic golden dawn doesnt look that dangerous and kinda geeky honestly, so the Nazis, easily.

>>301
Chris-Chan vs Jonty Bravery (https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-50692100)

301 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10239 21:28

>>300
Bravery has attempted murder and, based on actions and quotes, comes across as genuinely psychopathic. Chandler is clearly seriously mentally ill, but doesn't seem particularly cruel or violent. I would be inclined to give it to Bravery.

>>302
Antlion guard (Half Life 2) vs Vordt of the Boreal Valley (Dark Souls III)

302 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10334 23:02

>>301
The antlion guard has 500 HP, whereas Vordt of the Boreal Valley has 1328 HP (according to their respective wikis) and a significant size and mobility advantage... But Vordt also has silly segmented armor, and loses by virtue of inelegance!

>>303
Konpaku Youmu's ghost half (Touhou Project) vs. Cumsprite (Oglaf)

303 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10334 23:56

>>302
Youmu, by the virtues of (A) being Touhou and (B) not being Oglaf (faggot).

>>304
Your landlord or some tweaker you paid $500

304 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 00:19

>>303
Some tweaker I paid $500.
I know because I've tested this in real life, only with a tweaker I paid $20. If a $20 tweaker can beat my landlord, I'm sure a $500 tweaker will be 25 times as potent.

>>305
The soft squish poster from SAoVQ vs. a girl with no squish whatesoever to speak of

305 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 11:03

>>304
Girl with no squish. Look me in the eye and tell me you think a person who has an identity around posting "soft squish" on an obscure internet forum would not instantly faint if any real life girl looked at him for more than three seconds.

>>306
You vs your most recent ex, both armed with rapiers. Fight takes place on a cliff edge in the middle of a storm.

306 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 13:47

>>305
I would win because my ex doesn't exist and therefore has no arm with which to swing their rapier, giving me the clear advantage.

>>307
japanese old boy vs Golgomois

307 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 14:05

>>305
I win by default.

>>307
A man with diarrhea vs a masturbation addict over the last empty stall in a bathroom.

308 Name: vc: shett : 1993-09-10335 16:02

>>307
The man with diarrhea can use his own shit for propulsion, but the addict can use his cum aswell. I'd say they'd both get in at the same time, and the addict would cum all over the other's shit.

>>309
A nile crocodile vs Sailor Jupiter

309 Name: (_ : 1993-09-10335 16:20

>>307
A man with diarrhea, because masturbation addict would rather masturbate in public anyway.

>>308
Depends on a genre.

>>310
C++ vs C#

310 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 21:22

>>309
C++ swings its ++ like a sword. C# brings its # up to block, but too slow! C++ wins.

>>311
Kobolds vs goblins

311 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10335 22:04

>>310
Kobold is cut apart by paladin who carries goblin around as portable onahole.

>>312
Crocodile vs. Crocs-branded plastic sandal

312 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10336 00:15

>>311
A crocodile would have a very easy time defeating the Croc brand sandal. However I've run this simulation 1000 times and in 3 of those the crocodile suffocated on the sandal and died leading to a no contest.

>313

Crunch vs crisp

313 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10337 13:27

>>312
The crisp is crunched.

>>314
A weeaboo vs a TTRPG nerd.

314 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10340 02:57

>>313
Weeaboo brings out his Samurai sword, unfortunately he has little practice and in his attempt to show off by spinning the sword around he accidentally cuts into his leg. The TTRPG nerd didn't even finish his strength roll.

>>315
A chicken vs a woman.

315 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10433 21:50

>>314
Chickens can be pretty vicious, for sure, but their beaks and claws are too small to do any lethal damage to a human. The woman, meanwhile, could pretty easily grab the chicken by the neck and strangle it or smash its head against a rock, without it having much opportunity to fight back.

>>316
Ornstein vs Smough

316 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 00:19

>>314
Smough. He's only two letters away from though.
Thoughers always win

317 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 10:43

>>318
A lesbian (homosexual woman) vs a Lesbian (resident of the island of Lesbos)

318 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 15:44

>>317
neither, the vibrator
>>319
300 chihuahuas or one tiger

319 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 20:15

>>318
Tigers are ambush predators specialised for taking down singular, large animals, so the tiger would be somewhat out of its comfort zone here. On the other hand, chihuahuas, while very vocal, are not remotely trained or bred for violence. I could well imagine the tiger running out of stamina, but I couldn't imagine the chihuahuas effectively capitalising on this weakness -- even against an incapacitated tiger, they would have difficulty landing any kind of killing blow. I would be inclined to give it to the tiger.

>>320
You armed with a glaive (or other polearm of your choice) vs an alligator.

320 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 20:39

>>319
The alligator. I'm a fucking PUSSY!

>>321
Audiobook vs Keyboard

321 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10434 21:33

>>320
keyboard. im a keyboard warrior
>>322
wojak versus pepe

322 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10435 16:17

>>321
Wojak has survived and morphed to this day, and has become very popular from its humble origins as a krautchan meme. Pepe has mostly faded and Apu and the one with no neck with the wine glass have become more popular than it. Wojak would outlast Pepe in a fight.
>>323
Albania vs North Macedonia vs Greece

323 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10435 23:25

>>322
The Balkan Empire is all that remains in the end.

>>324
Atlantis vs the Mu Continent

324 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10437 16:09

>>323
Nobody's heard of the Mu continent, so they have the element of surprise and win.

>>325
Father Dougal McGuire (Father Ted) vs Alice Tinker (The Vicar of Dibley)

325 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10466 10:21

>>308
Sailor Jupiter. Send a lightning bolt in the croc swamp and zap them to death.

326 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10466 22:35

>>324
They are both overwhelmingly more likely to accidentally injure themselves in some wacky slapstick fashion than they are to injure one another. I suspect the result would be a draw, or at best one might win by default if the other messes up badly enough.

>>327
Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion) vs Rei Ayanami (The Rei's Diner)

327 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10469 16:20

>>326
My bets would be on Rei Ayanami.

>>328
Jules Verne's dinosaurs hiding inside the Earth vs Nazi dignitaries hiding inside the Earth

328 Name: ((●)トェェェイ(●)) : 1993-09-10469 17:31

>>327
Dinosaurs, no contest. Nazi artillery/tanks (if the dignitaries even have them) would be at a tremendous disadvantage given the underground terrain and lack of lighting, while lighter weaponry would do little against the thick hide of a voracious T-rex.

>>329
Fox vs swan

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