These are the files. I hope you have everything you need.
Tell your new Onii-chan to shoot at the evil, evil bunny with his laser.
Throw salt on the tentacle monster.
>>850
"Onii-chan! Shoot the bunny!" you implore, tugging at his sleeve. He does as instructed, but the rabbit is not so easily foiled. It chooses that moment to abandon ship, just dodging the laser shot which leaves a circular scorch mark in the back of its seat. It hits the ground, rolls, and scampers off towards you, just as the tentacles converge upon and begin to violently dismember the robot. There is a loud beeping noise.
>>851
Grabbing the blue container of salt poking from the trousers on the floor, you charge boldly forth and forcefully salinate the mercifully preoccupied titan conflagration of appendages. The tiny white crystals arc through the air towards the beast. The tentacle monster explodes. Now, this could be because the rabbit had set its steed to violently self-destruct, but in a world where butterflies can cause hurricanes can you really be so sure of matters of causality? If the entire system depends on its own previous state, could you not argue that everything is a cause of everything else? And could you not also argue that you just caused the death of that foul beast?
For killing a sapient being, you have gained one skill point and fifty mana.
The rabbit appears, quite prudently, to be galloping away from the impending airborne remains of the tentacle monster. It is heading towards your Onii-chan, who is currently aiming his laser gun at the poor, defenceless little thing.
eat a piece of the tentacle monster.
Store the rabbit in crotch-void for safekeeping.
>>853
As the mass of murderous, sadistic flesh and tentacles explodes outwards, right beside you, you decide to take the opportunity to taste this rare speciality dish. By appearance you suspect it might taste like escargot, but you wonder if your delicate salting might affect the taste, and whether the fiery explosion will be enough to cook it - or overcook it? You've really no experience eating tentacle monsters.
You open your mouth to receive the airborne meal, only to find that the long, thick cable-like tentacle heading your way is a little more than you can manage. It strikes you in the face, knocking you to the ground so hard that your skull is cracked. You bleed to death, unconscious.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 40
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>852)
>>854
You run after the cute little lagomorph, narrowly missing a tentacle which brushes your scalp before hitting the edge of the mezzanine and exploding in a shower of gore. Ignoring this, you leap, crotch first, onto the rabbit. It screeches in terror, then vanishes. Onii-chan appears rather confused at this turn of events. For that matter, he seems quite confused generally.
Kiss Onii-chan and tell him he did well.
Put skill point into pyromancy. >:)
Eat a piece of the tentacle monster now that it's no longer traveling at high velocity.
Ask Onii-chan about his navel.
>>856
You skip towards your Onii-chan, stand on tip-toes and press your little lips against his cheek. You congratulate him on his exemplary laser gun firing abilities, and tell him it isn't his fault he missed. He smiles uncertainly.
From directly above you, you hear enthusiastic clapping and a girl's voice exclaiming "Bravo! Bravo!".
>>857
You now have level four pyromancy. You have unlocked the following skill:
Fire resistance (passive skill): Are significantly more resistant - though not entirely immune - to burns inflicted by heat, smoke inhalation and retinal damage from looking at burning objects.
>>858
You pick up a lump of flesh and press it into your mouth. It is covered in a thick black fluid, possibly the creature's blood. It is at once thick and leathery and yet spongy, with a dreadful slick, slimy mouthfeel. It tastes salty but has a faint undercurrent of rotting fruit. Your teeth cannot even penetrate it, let alone masticate and ablate it enough to swallow, so in the end you give up and spit it out. The small pile of meat stares back at you from the parquet flooring, accusingly.
>>859
Onii-chan looks shocked and says "I... how did you know I don't have a navel?"
Having finally finished applauding, the girl upstairs speaks to you. "What a wonderful performance, don't you think?" she purrs, "Why, I almost feel it deserves an encore..."
Grind rejected piece of tentacle monster contemptuously under your heel and command the voice to come down and fight like a scary magical girl.
Celebrate fire resistance by setting a piece of the tentacle monster on fire and holding it like a torch.
You feel a strange compulsion to check your current pyromancy level. As you thought, it is of course, five, because four plus one is five, not four.
>>861
You stamp firmly upon the abominable morsel of flesh. It squelches apologetically beneath your bare foot. You attempt to coax the mysterious little girl above you to fight you honourably, but to no avail. "Don't be silly," she admonishes, "I'm the final boss; you only get to fight me somewhere around >>960, and only after tying up all the side-plots."
>>862
Enjoying the thought of your newfound dominance of the element of fire, you take a remnant of tentacle, hold it at arm's length and spend five mana (to leave 130 remaining) on wreathing it in flame. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem particularly flammable.
"Surprise!" shouts the girl upstairs. The double doors at the North end of the ballroom explode from their hinges, and in burst four men, each of whom look exactly like Mecha Alexei Fujiwara, including the mechanical implants, and even the lack of trousers and the angular bulge in the underwear. They are all armed with laboratory equipment; one with a retort stand (complete with boss and clamp), one with a large chromatography column, one with a stack of petri dishes, and one with two glass conical flasks filled with a reddish brown, fuming liquid.
Bite a crotch bulge.
Distract the Mecha clones by flashing our oppai, then shoot fireballs at each of them.
Be Stove Stove. Don't explode.
>>864
Mindblowingly awesome as that would no doubt be, you require level 12 telekinesis, level 5 healing, level 5 thaumaturgy and 75 mana to shapeshift. You currently have level 0 telekinesis, level 4 healing and level 2 thaumaturgy.
>>865
Given your opponents' characteristic meekness, you decide a bold, reckless attack is best. You run towards them and dive, face first, into the crotch of the Mecha Alexei clone wielding the chromatography column. He screams, loses grasp of the weapon, and falls onto his back. You bite viciously into his underwear, teeth encountering a certain resistance: it's something cube shaped, probably plastic.
At that moment you are struck on the back of the head by the business end of a retort stand, knocking you to the ground and giving you severe concussion. You are unable to avoid the subsequent attacks, and your life is swiftly brought to an end.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 41
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>863)
>>866
You find that, as you are wearing nothing but a single piece of combat armour, flashing your oppai would require being totally nude. You proceed anyway, but make sure to cover your crotch with your right hand. The Mecha Alexei clones appear suitably distracted, so you drop your espada ropera and begin summoning and casting fireballs at all of them. The first strikes Retort Stand Mecha Alexei in the chest, knocking him to the ground and setting his shirt on fire. He starts rolling on the floor, trying to put out the flames.
Meanwhile, the other three, now made aware of the danger, make a tactful retreat into the room they came from. You can see that it has white tiled flooring and several long, straight benches; it's probably a laboratory of some sort. You fire at Chromatography Column Mecha Alexei as he is retreating, and catch him in the side. He drops his weapon, which shatters on the ground, and is left clutching his arm as he hides from view. You also fire at Conical Flask Mecha Alexei, but miss.
Petri Dish Mecha Alexei gingerly looks around the corner and throws several little glass discs at you. You find that his ocular implant and cybernetically enhanced hand have greatly improved his aim and strength, and, although one misses, you are struck twice in the collarbone and left cheek. Both leave small cuts, but neither seems life threatening. You retaliate with another fireball, but are too late, and miss. Having fired four fireballs you have expended 60 mana, leaving 70 mana remaining.
>>867
You are now playing as Stove Stove. You try desperately to rescind your imminent demise, but you cannot think of anything but your own abandonment. The countdown ticks ever onwards; you have 39 minutes and 12 seconds until you explode.
Call a truce. There's no time for fighting, we need to save the universe!
(first being Jack)
Ero.
Sasai Shuya
rouhyou931th@yahoo.co.jp
>>869,870
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. Having the blood of so many on your hands already, you feel an immense weight upon your soul. If you have any hope of redeeming yourself you must learn to solve your problems with words, not senseless murder. You call out to the Mecha Alexeis, impressing upon them the need to save the universe. "From what?" interjects Petri Dish Mecha Alexei, having temporarily ceased fire.
>>871
"Ero," you reply. "I mean, just look at me; I'm completely naked! And you, you all have no trousers and bulging underwear! I know the bulges are just Rubik's cubes, but that's not the point. The point is that this universe has become far too erotic for an innocent young girl like myself to live in. As a former teacher, I think it is your moral duty to provide your former student with a learning environment free from unnecessary lewdness."
After a moment's thought, Petri Dish and Chromatography Column Mecha Alexeis emerge from the laboratory. They agree with your analysis of the situation, and concur that underage children should never be sexualised, nor placed in sexual situations. Chromatography Column Mecha Alexei throws a lab coat your way, so you can conceal your shameful, shameful body. Two Mecha Alexei Fujiwara clones have joined your party.
Retort Stand Mecha Alexei, meanwhile, has stopped rolling on the floor and appears to have passed out, though he is also no longer on fire. Conical Flask Mecha Alexei is nowhere to be found, and the armed guard from earlier, along with the laptop, have also vanished.
Ask Mecha Alexei to teach us physics.
Search for Onii-chan! We can't just leave him behind!
>>873
In all honesty, you weren't really expecting that argument to work, but you find yourself now tied down to the rights and responsibilities you have set forth with the Mecha Alexeis. Clothing yourself with the lab coat, you politely request tutelage in the study of physics. Buoyantly enthused, the two of them guide you into the laboratory and over to the whiteboard, where they explain, over the course of about half an hour, the general principles of classical and quantum physics, give qualitative explanations of thermodynamics and electromagnetism, and even touch on relativity. They also teach you a few useful concepts such as SI prefixes and units, scientific notation and dimensional analysis. You feel slightly overwhelmed.
>>874
With a pang of compunction, you remember that that poor gentleman from earlier is still missing - you cannot simply leave him behind in your quest for knowledge! He must learn about physics as well. Enlisting the aid of the Mecha Alexeis, you begin searching in the laboratory. You find a lot of obscure chemicals, glassware, laboratory notes, lasers, sources of radiation and other such delights, but not your Onii-chan. In the ballroom you find that Retort Stand Mecha Alexei has regained consciousness, but has suffered fairly serious burns across his chest. His retort stand has also gone missing, strangely enough.
Returning to where you last saw your former companion, you find that the parlour is still covered in ash and burned flesh as before. There are fresh footprints - a male's, wearing shoes - in the soot, leading to the spiral staircase. You ascend, finding yourself in a long hallway. To the West is the mezzanine above the ballroom. To the North is a door, ajar, opening onto an ornate dressing room, where you see the girl in the lilac dress sitting brushing her long, black hair. She smiles on noticing you. To the South is a closed door. To the East, the corridor continues a few tens of metres before reaching an old white, wooden door with a pane of frosted glass. It seems strangely out of place.
>>875
But never mind all that! You've more important things to be learning. Unfortunately, you cannot find any colleges, so you improvise instead. You work out that you require another sixteen skill points to unlock the shapeshifting ability, which would mean ritually murdering at least eight sapient beings. As far as living sapient beings are concerned, you know of four Mecha Alexeis in the vicinity, who may or may not be reanimated (and hence would not give skill points), plus the girl in lilac, who you are uncertain you could kill, plus Stove Stove and Onii-chan who are nowhere to be found.
Ask the girl to brush our hair.
Take the moon. Take the sun. Take anything that seems like fun. Stir it all up.
Take on me, take me on
>>877
"Please... would you... brush my hair?" you ask bashfully. She tilts her head to one side and smiles at you like an elderly dollmaker smiling at his finest creation. "Of course," she whispers. You sit by her feet and feel the bristles of the brush, in her loving, capable hands, glide along your scalp, easing apart your tussled, knotted, and in places burnt hair. You close your eyes and think of nothing in particular. The girl hums something: an old, simple melody; one you don't recognise, but which puts you deeply at ease.
>>878
You cannot locate, nor reach, the Moon or Sun, but - as it seems like fun - take a few minutes to reflect upon what "taking" a celestial body would even mean. It usually implies some sort of ownership, but ownership itself is already a somewhat cloudy issue. For instance, there is an American flag on the moon; does that mean it is "taken" by the USA? Well, no - but why not? Is it because they don't (or wouldn't be able to?) defend it from others attempting to take ownership? Is it the physical properties - proximity? Size? If so, what is the cut off point? A country can clearly be "taken", as history shows, but how could you take the Moon? You stir up all these arguments, but don't reach any meaningful conclusion.
>>879
You attempt to take on >>879, but unfortunately your only clue as to their identity is one solitary anonymous post on the internet, to which you don't even have access in your present predicament. You have no reason to suspect that >>879 is able to read your thoughts, but for what it's worth, you take them on via the age-old internet practice of groundless insult. "Fuck you. I hope you die slowly and painfully, you slow-witted, inarticulate sack of shit," you think to them.
You should just kill yourself Jack, your life is worthless, nobody loves you, your mother is a slut-eating cuntmuffin and your father is a whoremongering pussy-scab!
I don't know who that >>881 guy is trying to imitate me. He couldnt' even get my name right.
I harbor no ill will towards Jack.
But I will destroy him.
Jack, lift the little girl's dress and stare into her crotch.
>>881
You momentarily feel a faint prick of irritation, like the buzzing of a small insect. You dismiss it as nothing.
>>882
In one sudden motion, you grasp the hem of the girl's dress, throw it into the air, and duck your head under it. Looking up, you see... you see... light, blinding light, of every possible colour, radiating outwards in shifting, overlapping rays and beams. You never knew such beauty even existed. You spend minutes just staring at it, unable to look away, or even form a coherent thought. As you watch, it increases in intensity, more and more rays forming in ever more complex and beautiful motions. Then, something begins to form in the centre, a shape, it looks like...
But then, at that very moment, the universe explodes thanks to your companion Stove Stove.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 42
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>880)
Since the little girl seems to have the ability to make clones, ask her to send a clone of us out to console Stove Stove.
Failing that, find Stove Stove yourself and send him to time out in the Void.
>>884
The girl stops brushing your hair, laughs conspiratorially and proposes that you join her in the laboratory downstairs. You do so. Once there, she turns on a computer at the side of the room, opens a program, types in a few lines of abstruse looking code, then closes it again. She then takes your hand and guides you through a door at the back of the room, along a narrow service corridor, down two flights of stairs and to a small basement room. In the centre of the room is a strange metal capsule with various wires and pipes leading from it into the floor. The capsule opens to reveal a perfect clone of yourself, differing only in that she is wearing a seifuku, has no obvious injuries to her hands, and her hair is not burnt as yours is.
The girl in lilac makes an odd hand gesture over the unconscious body, which opens its eyes, then, in the next instant, vanishes. "There!" she declares triumphantly, "I've sent a clone of you to say some kind words to Stove Stove. Of course, I can't promise what else she might or might not do..."
>>885
You think that Stove Stove should consider him/her/them/itself very lucky that you aren't around to administer some crotch-based castigation.
Go back to the computer and type random things.
>>887
You skip gaily back to the laboratory, eager to prove your worth as a mad scientist. With a flourish of the wrist and a few keystrokes, you type "random things" on the keyboard of the computer and hit enter.
RANDOMISING GENOME OF SAMPLES T, H, I, N, G, S...COMPLETED
Type:
random abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz0123456789type "sudo shutdown now"
Attempt to edit text file in VIM.
>>892
You spend a few moments wondering how to operate this strange contraption. The screen offers no clues; the only things displayed are your commands and the computer's responses, all in unapologetic block capital white on black monospace text. There is no interface to speak of. The keyboard has only the letters A to Z, numbers 0 to 9, an enter key and a backspace.
You begin to type in "run vim", but only get as far as "ru" when you are struck, hard, on the back of the head by something made of glass. It shatters. You feel your scalp and the back of your neck splashed by something liquid. It burns! And not the nice, pretty sort of burning, the effects of which you are now resistant to; a horrible, chemical sort of burning. You collapse to the floor, twisting around to see what you are being attacked by. The last thing you perceive is Conical Flask Mecha Alexei charging at you, wielding a conical flask in one hand and a retort stand in the other. The retort stand hits you in the head. You are killed.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 43
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>891)
Stand up, turn around, and go on a bloody hunt to ritualistically kill every sapient being we come across to gain mana, using our signature SpineBuster (tm) ritual-chanting knife-heart-stab combo!
Be Stove Stove, do a break dance without pants!
Be Continue. Attempt to treat your wounds.
>>894
You rise to your feet, feeling an all too familiar bloodlust coursing through your veins. This fragile allyship you've forged with the two Mecha Alexeis could never stand when they're just a ritualistic chant and a stab wound away from providing you with skill points and mana. A red mist descends over your vision, and you lose control of your actions. You are now nothing but a receptacle for the will of Eris, Huitzilopochtli, Armok, Shezmu, Khorne, Oyashiro-sama and whoever else wants blood.
>>895
You are now playing as Stove Stove. You find yourself on the edge of a large crater in a forest. Standing beside you, affectionately caressing your upper face, is the lovely Jack Conundrum-chan. She came back for you! Now you don't have to self-destruct! You're so glad you can scarcely express it in words. In fact, you can't express it in words because you aren't capable of speech, just as you are incapable of wearing pants. Instead, you express it in dance, by spinning around on one vertex in a display of what is apparently known as "breakdancing". Jack Conundrum-chan is surprised and elated by your exploits.
When you are finished, she goes back to stroking you and says, in a serious tone, "I need your help, Stove Stove. There's a mansion in the forest - it's just down that dirt track - and... and... Oh, it's so dreadful! Our former ally, Mecha Alexei, has betrayed us, and with the aid of his sick, unnatural sciences has created a clone of me. You can tell us apart by the fact that the clone still has wounds on her hands (I healed mine), and she's not wearing a seifuku like I am, because they couldn't clone that part. Quick, there's no time to lose! We have to infiltrate the mansion and kill my clone, along with Mecha Alexei."
>>896
You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. You find yourself in complete darkness, lying on a stone floor, with severely injured legs and, currently, holding what seems to be a human foot. Thankfully, being undead, your wounds cannot be classed as life-threatening. In fact, the only thing which could threaten your continued existence is your bodily integrity being brought below 80%, at which point you would permanently deanimate. Though your legs are quite badly injured, and thus no longer serviceable, a cursory manual investigation reveals that they are by no means deformed, so you are in no real peril. On the other hand, as you are undead, your injuries will no longer heal over time. It's possible that Conundrum-chan's magical healing ability could help, but she's nowhere to be found. You have no other means of treatment at your disposal.
You hear a very faint murmuring coming from the same direction as the human foot you are holding.
Investigate murmuring, but use the severed foot to prod ahead in the darkness rather than risk touching anything untoward.
Hum a soft, soothing tune.
( ・-・) 900 GET
>>898
On attempting to use the foot as a makeshift white cane, you come to the realisation that it is not, in fact, severed, but is still attached to a body. The body is entirely inanimate, and you cannot feel a pulse. By touch, you establish that it seems to be fairly small - probably a child - and is wearing a dress. There is a damp patch around the sternum area. You continue crawling forwards, pointing the body's leg at the darkness ahead of you. Eventually, the foot meets resistance - a wall. Pressing your ear to it, you can just about make out some words: "...wounds... seifuku... no time to lose... kill my clone..."
>>899
The events of the past day or so have been very trying for you. Really, you could do with any comfort you can come by, however meagre. You hum something to yourself; it's not even a real tune, just something you make up as you go along. Suddenly, a synthesised voice booms from somewhere above you, "PILOT DETECTED. INITIALISING: PLEASE WAIT."
The ground shakes, then shifts ninety degrees. You and the body you are holding are thrown around violently. You feel the walls warp, deform, compress around you, and at some point the foot is torn from your grasp. Your field of view is suddenly filled with light. Once your eyes adjust, you find yourself staring out at a forest from a metre or two above the ground. Overlaid onto this view are various undecipherable graphs and figures, as well as some text:
COMPUTERISED SYSTEMS ONLINEMECHANICAL SYSTEMS ONLINELIFE SUPPORT SYSTEMS ONLINEWEAPONS SYSTEMS ONLINEINITIALISATION COMPLETE: MOBILE SUIT 002 ("STOVE STOVE") ONLINE
Just under your hands you find a set of controls, which seem to operate whatever strange vehicle you currently find yourself inside. Outside, you see Jack Conundrum-chan, who appears rather surprised, to say the least.
>>900
No matter how beady you try to make your eyes, you cannot get 900.
Charge up mobile suit's power level to over 9000
Break dance without pants! To get acquainted with the controls.
Look under the seat for an emergency flotation device
>>902
After some cautious experimentation, you find the controls governing the batteries and power distribution. The main batteries are at 81% charge, emergency batteries at 100%. You can't find any way of displaying charge in absolute units. You know you certainly can't charge anything to 9000%; that's going against the very principle of what percentages are supposed to represent. Maybe you could charge up to 9000‱? But how? You have no idea how this thing works.
>>903
The movement controls prove very simple and intuitive. Just moments after you are taking your first steps in the suit, you are as familiar with the controls as with a childhood friend. Eager to test your skill, and the dexterity of the suit itself, you take to spinning around on your back, jumping into the air and landing on only one hand, and flipping and somersaulting back and forth like a trapeze artist on psychostimulants. Conundrum-chan, in a rare display of sensible behaviour, backs away and watches from a distance.
>>904
You're not sure you can really call where you currently are a seat. The walls have moulded themselves around your entire body, leaving only your hands and forearms free to move, and even those only as far as the controls. You cannot look or reach under or behind you, which is a little worrying; were you to fall into a large body of water, you are unsure how buoyant this device would prove. Then again, there isn't exactly a lot of risk of your drowning/dying of hypothermia.
Be Jack. Don't die!
Become one with the plane, feel it as if it were your body.
>>906
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You find yourself in the doorway between the ballroom and the laboratory, covered in blood, and in the midst of some strange combination of chanting and screaming. There are the corpses of four Mecha Alexei clones and one Onii-chan arranged radially in the centre of the room, with a large, elborate ceremonial circle drawn around them in blood. Each corpse has many stab wounds in their chest. You are pleasantly surprised to find that you have ten unspent skill points and 570 mana.
>>907
You try to become part of a two-dimensional plane, but unfortunately you don't really know how to go about becoming one with mathematical concepts.
Spend 2 skill points on healing and the other 8 on telekinesis.
Find the piano and play a Chopin Nocturne.
put face firmly between dead oniichan's buttocks
deeply inhale
>>909
You assign two skillpoints to healing, unlocking the following skills:
While you're at it, you also assign eight skillpoints to telekinesis, unlocking:
You feel yourself floating slightly off the floor and in possession of level six healing and level eight telekinesis.
>>910
The piano currently constitutes a mass of splinters and broken pieces of ivory in the Northeast corner of the room. You tap melancholically at the remains of the keys, but no sound is produced.
>>911
Onii-chan appears to still be wearing his combat armour, with the exception of the helmet. There are several stab wounds gouged into the back of his neck. You press your face into the back of the legpiece of his armour, but cannot smell anything other than blood.
You hear a rhythmic thumping sound in the distance. Looking through the window, you can see a large, roughly humanoid silhouette making its way through the garden, towards your current position.
Hide underneath the remains of the piano. Try not to giggle.
Strike the earth and dig deep.
>>913
Fear prickling at the nape of your neck, you cower beneath the fractured mass of varnished wood and ivory. It is such a poor hiding place that you have difficulty not laughing at the sheer absurdity of it, but the thought of that strange, threatening jet black figure outside quells your mirth. The thumping grows ever louder, ever nearer, then you see the object of your terror - a huge, segmented humanoid robotic figure, made of gleaming black stone. It scans the room from outside the windows. Thankfully, it overlooks you, likely distracted by the distastefully arranged corpses in the centre of the room. A voice comes from nearby - your voice! - and says "How horrifying! This must be their work. We have to stop them right away."
>>914
You begin to pick at the parquet flooring using the ceremonial stone knife you happen to be holding (left over from your murderous rampage earlier). You succeed in digging about two centimetres deep, to the underside of the wooden floor, before reaching a layer of filled concrete, impenetrable to your impromptu excavation instrument.
You are in the Northeast corner of the room. The stone behemoth, along with a clone of yourself, is just outside the row of windows to the West. As far as potential escape routes are concerned, the nearest is the double doors in the North wall leading to the laboratory; alternatively, there is a door in the East wall leading to the parlour, or a door to the Southwest leading to the garden. If you don't do something soon, you will almost certainly be found.
Forget hiding and fly around like Son Goku to exhilerate in your new levitation powers.
Go to the garden and eat some flowers.
Then proceed to expand dong.
>>916
Freed at last from the shackles of gravitation, you jump in the air and float, at a moderate but by no means superhuman pace, towards the ceiling. You are interested to find that you are still at the whim of air resistance, so you do slow down noticeably over time. You hear an exclamation from outside - "Look! It's her!" - and immediately become the target of a spray of antimatter bullets from the large, black humanoid outside. As you are floating in the air, unable to manoeuvre out of their path, you die, messily.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 44
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>915)
>>917
You sprint across the room, eliciting the attention of the two outside, and narrowly avoid being blown to smithereens on your way to the door to the Southwest. You find yourself on a small patio above an embankment, leading down to a set of gardens. There are rose bushes and ornamental hedges lining the bank, and, beyond that, a herb garden and a hedge maze. Further away, you can see a lake and, atop a hill in the middle distance, a gazebo.
You rush to the nearest rose bush and, frantically, knowing that this might be the last thing you ever do, pluck one of the flowers from it and stuff it into your mouth. You dive down the hill, narrowly avoiding being annihilated along with the poor bush you were just next to. You find yourself at the bottom of the bank, at the entrance to the hedge maze. You choke down the mass of petals and plant matter. It doesn't taste very nice, to be honest.
>>918
You try to expand the area in which the Vietnamese dong currency - famously one of the least valued currency units, along with Zimbabwean dollars - is used, but unfortunately your economic/diplomatic influence is rather limited, being, as you are, otherwise occupied with your own clone and the giant robot by her side.
Dart between the robot and the gazebo, trying to get the gazebo hit in the crossfire. That gazebo could be dangerous, after all.
Lure the enemy into the hedge maze, then set the maze on fire.
>>920
You are, by now, well aware of the treacherous nature of these so-called "gazebos". The last one you battled was, itself, a distraction, and nearly led to you being ambushed by some sort of giant blue demon. This one is no doubt more fiendish still. You try to use the strength of the attacking robot against your other, more sessile adversary, but unfortunately you are at the bottom of a hillside, meaning that the trajectories of the machine's bullets don't come anywhere near the right angle. Furthermore, you find that deliberately putting yourself in the path of antimatter ammunition, even with your commendable agility, is a very dangerous pastime. You are struck by a projectile and killed.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 45
>>921
You run into the labyrinth, darting back and forth almost at random, but heading ever deeper. You do your best to tempt your pursuers with taunts such as "Hah! They'll never find me in here!" and "Oh no, now I'm lost! What ever shall I do?". The robot rises to the bait, and begins to trample its way across the rows of hedges towards you. You cannot see or hear what your clone is doing.
Once you judge that the titan figure has been lured near enough, you begin to use your magical firelighting (active skill) on the hedges as you pass by, sparking a slow, but steady conflagration. For good measure, you fire a few fireballs into the air, to land in other parts of the maze. In the process, you spend 55 mana, leaving you 515 mana remaining.
A mechanically amplified voice echoes across the space. It's Continue-chan. "Conundrum-chan, please," she pleads, "I... I know you aren't really Conundrum-chan, but even so, I don't want to have to hurt you. Please, just come out, and we can talk this through."
Attempt to teleport Continue out of the robot.
Propose marriage to Continue-chan.
Read Jojo
Be a sissy who acts like a woman
Kiss Conundrum-chan to convince her we are the real deal and not a cheap copy.
Don Armor of Nigrous Nincompoopery.
Prove our originality by making original content on DQN.
>>923
Perhaps you will parley with Continue-chan, but it shall be on your terms, not hers. The towering stone suit she finds herself inside is already within ten metres of you, so you simply employ your Teleportation (other)(active skill) to pluck her from her steed. She appears at your feet, looking very dazed, and quite scared.
>>924
To use your Proposal (active skill), you of course require an engagement ring. You hurriedly attempt to fashion one from a twig taken from the nearby hedges, but at that very moment, your clone dives around the corner holding a ring made out of a rose stem with the thorns removed. Before you have a chance to respond to this threat, she kneels on one knee and proposes marriage to the still stunned Continue-chan.
>>925
You feel a sudden impulse to read Jojo, Roger Caron's 1988 novel about escaping from prison, but unfortunately there aren't any copies available to you right now.
>>926
You continue to play as Jack Conundrum-chan. You coward! Running away from the only person who ever loved you - even if she was in a giant robot suit and trying to kill you - how could you? Now, her affection is being stolen from you, before your very eyes. How can you call yourself a woman now? For all the arcane knowledge and ritual murder, you are still nothing but a lost, scared little girl.
>>927
You grab your clone by the shoulders and press your face into hers. Your lips meet, and you press fervently on, tongue probing into her mouth. She does not resist. You have no idea how this is supposed to convince the cloned Conundrum-chan that you are real and she is not, but you'll get to that. For that matter, have you convinced yourself that you're the genuine article? You've passed out enough times; what if the real you was replaced with a clone of you, cunningly left in the right place at the right time with the right memories?
>>928
You possess no such thing. The only thing in your inventory even remotely related to armour is the lab coat you're wearing.
>>929
You cannot access DQN just now, as you lack access to the internet. If you were able to access it, however, you'd surely start a wonderful new thread, with a simple yet profound idea that everyone can participate in, and which goes on to garner many hundreds of replies.
Be Continue-chan. Propose a threesome.
Then get the hell out of there, as cute as they are, those two are clearly both dangerous psychopathic murderers!
Pray to Sterquilinus.
>>931
You are now playing as Masturbation Continue-chan. You have absolutely no idea what's going on with the two Conundrum-chan's - who's real/fake, who's good/evil, who's marrying whom - so you decide the best course of action is to try to pacify everyone, if possible. You tentatively put forward the idea of pooling your strength into a triumvirate. The Conundrum-chans turn to face one another, and their eyes narrow slightly. After some heated argument, each concludes that they will only be civil towards the other if they are the one you marry.
>>932
You get the feeling you're forgetting something. Ah! That's right, the pile of ritually murdered bodies in the ballroom, composed largely of clones of poor Mecha Alexei - whom you thought Conundrum-chan was quite fond of. Not to mention, she also murdered you a while back. Given her track record of murdering every single companion she has ever had (with the exception of Control Tower, whose blood(?) is on your hands), perhaps you oughtn't to stick around. You try to run away, but then remember that your legs are broken.
>>933
You close your eyes and offer a quick prayer to the patron deity of manure, asking him to fertilise your future. There is no reply.
Be Jack. Propose marriage to our clone.
Take advantage of the distraction to teleport behind our clone and then fireball her head.
Call clone a poopy head.
>>935
You are now playing as Jack Conundrum-chan. You feel a complex and deeply confusing array of emotions towards your doppelgänger - hatred, murderous rage, envy, lust, and more - but the easiest solution to all your problems is, obviously, to marry her. Not only does it preclude her from stealing away your precious Continue-chan, but it helps you to, as the famous adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. "Conundrum-chan," you say confidently, getting down on one knee again, "Will you marry me?"
She cocks her head to one side and replies, "No; I'm marrying Continue-chan. Isn't that right?" She glares meaningfully at Continue-chan, who appears to be trying to crawl away in the general direction of Stove Stove.
>>936
As she is momentarily preoccupied, you teleport yourself behind her. Unfortunately, she had her back to a hedge, which now stands between the two of you. Before she has even noticed your absence, you have summoned and cast a fireball towards her. It is mostly absorbed by the hedge - which promptly catches alight - but enough reaches her to make her jump up and yelp, patting at her smouldering hair. You have 470 mana remaining.
>>937
Now's the time! Now, when her self confidence is at its nadir, you choose to deliver a devastating verbal assault. She appears quite taken aback and frowns violently, creasing her facial features. The corners of her eyes dampen. "No!" she declares, "You're a poopy head!" Still reeling from this reckless counterattack, you stare dumbly through the burning hole in the hedge at your clone, as her hands grip - then begin to lift - the hem of her skirt. Surely she isn't planning to use her crotch against you, is she?
Teleport our clone 10 meters up into the sky, then use our regeneration powers to heal Continue-chan's legs. That should prove our true love!
>>939
You've had quite enough of your clone and her shenanigans, you decide. No sooner have you thought this than she is gone, exploring the lower troposphere and no doubt enjoying a lovely aerial view of the burning hedge maze. You try to cast Complete regeneration (active skill) on Continue-chan, but unfortunately it only works on living creatures, and your beloved childhood friend has been dead a while now. How bothersome! You don't have a chance to express your exasperation, however, because at that moment your clone lands on top of you, crotch first. With nothing but a quiet whooshing noise, you are erased from this universe.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 46
(Continuing from most recently saved game: >>938)
>>940
You simply cannot handle this situation any more. Fully aware that both of your companions lack your fire resistance, you leave them in the midst of a - by now - quite substantially ablaze labyrinth. In an effort to rid yourself of the stress and frustration of dealing with your other self, you scream and shake your arms around madly, running about with no heed for your path. A minute or so later, you find yourself outside the maze, at the base of the hill with the gazebo on it. The building is nicely framed by a pair of large oak trees to either side of it. Inside is a wrought iron table and set of chairs, in one of which is that girl in lilac, happily sipping at a cup of tea. She waves to you amiably.
Give in to starvation.
Ask the lilac girl for a cup of tea.
Don't drink any tea we might receive. Hold it out at arm's length and pour it slowly and deliberately on the floor.
>>942
You decide you've had quite enough of coming close to suffering bizarre and ridiculous deaths. I mean, who's to say you won't be ritually murdered by someone as avaricious as yourself? Or be devoured by tentacles? Or just accidentally fall into your own crotch? Really, it's a wonder you're still alive at all. You may as well end it yourself, properly, and starvation seems an appropriately noble, oddly poetic sort of death to aim for. You sit around for an immense length of time, not really paying attention to what's happening, but firmly refusing all food offered to you. Against all the odds, you succeed in your endeavour, and die in an incredibly slow and torturous manner.
GAME OVER
Deaths: 47
(Continuing from most recent saved game: >>941)
>>943
You serenade the girl in lilac with one of the more dubious entries in your musical repertoire. She listens patiently, chin in hand, stopping only to take another sip of her tea. When you are done, she smiles and beckons you closer.
>>944
You skip gleefully up the hill and take a seat opposite the enigmatic, finely dressed young lady. She gladly pours you out a cup of black tea, letting you help yourself to milk and sugar. "Come to think of it," she says, "I don't think I properly introduced myself earlier. My name's Cassandra, but you can call me Cassie-chan. I'm so glad you've chosen to join me for a tea party, especially considering, all thing considered, we ought to be fighting. Think about it; you've been facing ever stronger enemies over the course of these escapades, and I'm by far the strongest thing you've met so far."
She pauses a moment, drinks the rest of her tea, then resumes her pontifications while preparing herself another cup. "That's why I'm so glad to see you have superseded this silly, cliché sort of idea that every adventure needs a "final boss". Just because I'm more powerful than you and we're serving different agendas doesn't mean we can't sit down and discuss this over tea."
>>945
Without a word, you stand up and libate the tea onto the wooden flooring of the gazebo. There is absolute, dead silence between the two of you. Her eyes narrow, and she says, slowly, deliberately, "I see. So that's how it is." With a deep breath, she stands up from her seat and faces you, an inscrutable look on her face.
You review your situation. You are currently armed with an espada ropera and a very, very bloody ceremonial stone knife. In the maze below is Continue-chan and your clone, both of whom are potential allies and both of whom are likely in danger from the fire, along with a robotic suit, which may prove useful in its own ways. In the mansion is some combat armour (although it really doesn't fit you very well), a laser gun, and facilities for cloning, amongst other things.
Formally challenge Cassandra to a one-on-one duel to the death, with 24 uninterrupted hours to prepare.