>>3's puny fists could not cause his mouse button to budge, so he had to ask his mommy to come click 'Reply' for him.
>>5 tried to smear some butter on a slice of toast this morning, but as it had spent the night in the fridge instead of on the counter, he broke his wrist and splintered his ulna instead.
>>8 is responsible for this thread, which is the weakest DQN has seen in quite a while.
>>9 typed that on his custom keyboard with hair-trigger weighted keys.
>>12 Appeared as a guest star in Axis Power Hetalia. Italy killed him by complete accident
>>13 is actually Niccolo Machiavelli, history's most prolific armchair general.
>>14 would like to read Machiavelli, but the pages are too heavy to turn. He tried reading it on an e-book reader, but could not press the page flip buttons either.
>>20 prefers the Text Art formatting because it makes the letters look less heavy.
>>23 has twice received severe concussions from blobs of pigeon excrement.
>>25 cannot dive more than 3 feet below the water surface before the water pressure crushes his ribcage.
>>26 is seriously bruised up by the process of putting on underpants, but otherwise his junk would just swing a little too far and rip away from his body entirely.
>>27 once tried to masturbate, but his arm got tired after the third stroke.
>>28 would be propelled backwards by the force of his own ejaculation, if he ever got around to achieving that of course.
When >>30 builds a sand castle, he has to lift the sand one grain at a time.
>>31 Tried to play a guitar once but the strings cut off his fingers.
>>32 took one sip of cold beer, and had to be rushed to the hospital to be treated for alcohol poisoning and hypothermia simultaneously.
>>34 tried to derail a thread once, but the passengers felt only the slightest of bumps as it ran over his miniscule e-peen, snapping it like a twig.
>>35's unobtrusive, soft-spoken attempt to rob a convenience store got him laughed out by the clerk and everyone in line.
If >>37 doesn't take a whiz every five minutes, his bladder ruptures from the pressure.
>>44 ordered a steamed carrot in a fancy restaurant but it was too spicy for him
>>46 cracked an egg and the shell cut him up so bad, that he has scars on his hands for the rest of his life.
Being able to crack an egg is >>47's lifelong dream.
An egg fell on >>48. He was crushed to death. The egg was undamaged.
>>51 once attempted to pluck a chicken. His hand tore off at the wrist, still grasping the first feather.
>>53 needs months of steroid injections in order to gain the strength to make his own bed.
>>54 Has serious difficulties in 2 story and taller buildings.
He doesn't have enough muscle to climb 1 flight of stairs, and blacks out due to acceleration when he uses the elevator or the escalator.
Smilarly, when >>55 stands up, he immediately gets altitude sickness, and the force of the resulting projectile vomit is enough to send him into a triple backflip.
>>58 dearly wished to employ the PokéWalker, but was unable to take a single step under its burden.
>>59 can only use ghost Pokémon. Anything else would result in impacted shins.
>>62 tried to sing once, but the vibrations tore up his larynx.
>>65 Has a house with automatic opening doors that are also found in food stores. He has them because if he had to open doors the old fashioned way, or had to push a button, he would never be able to enter or exit his house.
>>67 jaws were sealed shut forever after trying to chew gum.
(also automatic sliding doors do not work that way)
>>68 was crushed and horribly maimed by an automatic sliding door, ironically enough.
>>76 couldn't justify the Brobdingnagian effort of typing out a post to insult just one person.
>>77 nearly died from fatigue after spelling out "Brobdingnagian" on his keyboard
>>78 got fired from his job at the chip shop after 1 day because he couldn't batter a fish.
>>81 asphyxiated while trying to read his post out loud in a single breath.
>>83 died from the mental effort of imagining a weaker method of dying.
>>84 faints from the heat regularly because he can't unzip his jacket
>>85 died from Dave's Syndrome about 25 seconds after submitting his reply.
>>89 popped all his zits at once by briefly holding his breath. Then his chest ruptured.
>>90 popped a zit once and required an emergency blood transfusion afterwards.
>>93 tried to eat grapefruit once, but when he stuck the spoon in, juice sprayed into his eyes. It nearly blinded him.
>>93 tried to eat grapefruit once, but when he stuck the spoon in, juice sprayed into his eyes. It blinded him.
>>95 tried to eat grapefruit once, but couldn't manage to stick the spoon in.